Q. Why will Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Jimmy doesn't want to be the worst President in history.

Q. Why will Senator Hillary Clinton vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he stole the primary election fair and square.

Q. Why will Jane Fonda vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead.

Q. Why will Ho Chi Minh vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead.

Q. Why will Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he's running out of George Bush jokes.

Q. Why will David Letterman vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he's running out of Jay Leno's George Bush jokes.

Q. Why will Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because she's running out of other crazy things to do.

Q. Why will Bill Ayers vote for Barack Obama?
A. Bill thinks Obama's the bomb.


Q. Why will sharks vote for Barack Obama?
A. Professional courtesy.

An honest answer can cost you the election.

The truth is what others will believe.

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

A promise is not a guarantee.

Chicken little only has to be right once.

"NO" is only a temporary response.

You can't keep a bad idea down.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

If you make a mistake blame it on the other side.

Don't confuse people with the facts. Just give them the spin.

You can agree with any concept or idea in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

If you can't counter the argument, find an excuse to leave the meeting.

Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser. Jay Leno

Do you know what Barack Obama's middle name is? Hussein. Could've been worse. Could've been Kerry. Jay Leno

I refer to him as B. Hussein Obama. He's half white and half black, half Christian and half Muslim and half atheist. Something there for every Democrat. Ann Coulter

The Reverend Jesse Jackson told CNN that he's planning to endorse Barack Obama for president. Experts say this is a risky move for Jackson, because hardly anything rhymes with 'Barack Obama.' Conan O'Brien

Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama have been sniping at each other back and forth. It's getting ugly. The good news for Obama is, all this bickering with Hillary is making him look presidential. Conan O'Brien

"Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his pastor." --Jay Leno

"Senator Obama answered doubts about his inexperience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, key club president, 4H treasurer, lunch room monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap." --Amy Poehler

"Did you all see Barack Obama and Hillary last night at that debate? Did you see them sitting side by side, staring at the camera? They looked like one of those bad local eyewitness news teams. 'Let's go to Barack for the weather. Thank you, Hillary.'" --Jay Leno

"Senator Barack Obama was in Los Angeles last night for a huge campaign fundraiser. That shows you what a great country this is -- when an African-American with a Kansas mother and a Kenyan father, who spent time growing up in Indonesia and is running for president, spending time in a state where Spanish-speaking people have elected an Austrian governor." --Jay Leno

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush.(I know, he would not be on a cargo plane but it is necessary for this joke.) The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iran or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iran or I'm gonna spill his brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iran or I'm gonna spill his brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iran. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill his brains all over the place."

No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's President Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"