Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallys in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd - shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain.

One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd - shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.

"That man's persistence yonder," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."

"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."

Two rookie Congressmen, one Democrat and one Republican, were walking along the street in D.C. They came upon a homeless man asleep on the sidewalk. The Republican woke him up, gave him $20 for something to eat and gave him a lead on where he might get a job. The Democrat was very impressed.

Later they came upon another homeless man. The Democrat, not wanting to be outdone, reached into the Republican's pocket and took $50 and gave it to the homeless man and then told him where the welfare office was located.

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue.

It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been and did it all on borrowed money

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong.

The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire."

The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations."

The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?"

The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every kind of living things on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning He delivered the plans and specifications for the Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." ... and six months passed

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his front yard, weeping. There was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord. "Where is the Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were too many problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark's construction, and your plans did not meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating the zoning setback by building the Ark in the front yard, so I had to get a variance from the Zoning Board of Adjustment. Then I had a problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save spotted owls. I finally got permission to cut the trees, but I was denied permission to take two of the owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a hammer or saw. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat ... but no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. The objected to my taking only two of each kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded that I file a Map Amendment depicting the expanded flood plain; I sent them a globe. Right now, I am still trying to resolve a complaint over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire based on Affirmative Action goals, and the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. I don't think I'll be able to finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the Earth?" he asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being the Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something that man invented himself."

"What is that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, then the Lord spoke His Last Word: "Government."