And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every kind of living things on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning He delivered the plans and specifications for the Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." ... and six months passed

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his front yard, weeping. There was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord. "Where is the Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were too many problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark's construction, and your plans did not meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating the zoning setback by building the Ark in the front yard, so I had to get a variance from the Zoning Board of Adjustment. Then I had a problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save spotted owls. I finally got permission to cut the trees, but I was denied permission to take two of the owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a hammer or saw. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat ... but no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. The objected to my taking only two of each kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded that I file a Map Amendment depicting the expanded flood plain; I sent them a globe. Right now, I am still trying to resolve a complaint over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire based on Affirmative Action goals, and the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. I don't think I'll be able to finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the Earth?" he asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being the Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something that man invented himself."

"What is that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, then the Lord spoke His Last Word: "Government."

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?"

To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac ... sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia.

They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying,"Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back across the water to the yacht and climbs aboard.He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats on the Hill, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is "Bush Can't Swim."

A man is standing on the corner, when suddenly a bus hits and kills him. He finds himself on line at the Pearly Gates waiting to speak to Saint Peter. As he is standing in line he notices millions of clocks around him. When he gets up to St. Peter, he asks: "What are all of these clocks for?" St. Peter looks up and says:"Why, these clocks tell us how many lies each person is telling, and keeps track of them so that we will know if we can accept them into the Kingdom of Heaven."


Interested, the man asks about the wierd "fan" running behind St. Peter. Saint Peter looks at the "fan" and remarks, "Why, thats no fan, the AC went on the fritz this morning and we just figured we could use the Bill Clinton lie clock to cool us off."

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.

Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the oval office and Bill answered.

Hillary said, "Do you know what you did you rotten moron? You got me pregnant!" The president remained silent.

Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN MORON? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!"

Bill finally answered, "Who is this?"