Clinton died and went to heaven or to be more accurate, approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, President Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.

"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan

"I have had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming.

"I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.

"I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the heck is Bill Clinton"

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue.

It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been and did it all on borrowed money

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong.

The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire."

The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations."

The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?"

The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

A man is standing on the corner, when suddenly a bus hits and kills him. He finds himself on line at the Pearly Gates waiting to speak to Saint Peter. As he is standing in line he notices millions of clocks around him. When he gets up to St. Peter, he asks: "What are all of these clocks for?" St. Peter looks up and says:"Why, these clocks tell us how many lies each person is telling, and keeps track of them so that we will know if we can accept them into the Kingdom of Heaven."


Interested, the man asks about the wierd "fan" running behind St. Peter. Saint Peter looks at the "fan" and remarks, "Why, thats no fan, the AC went on the fritz this morning and we just figured we could use the Bill Clinton lie clock to cool us off."